i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
