I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
