I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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