I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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