I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
