I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
