Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
