I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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