I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
