I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
