Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
