i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
