my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
