I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She bit a glass in half.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
