Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
