ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
