Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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