he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
