I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
