Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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