I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
