do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize