Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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