im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
