Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
