in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize