hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
