Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
