Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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