he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
