I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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