he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
