I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
