he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
A bitchslap is in order.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
