he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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