You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
