I look better un-naked...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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