my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
