Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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