i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize