so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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