All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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