I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I think your dad took our porno
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
