My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
