I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My ass is underappreciated
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
