FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
