These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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