I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
