Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize