I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize