Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
