I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
