the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
