you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
