mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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