and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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