dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
