but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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