I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
