life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
