I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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