dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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