i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
