so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
