when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
