I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
