someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
